Don't you send me to vm
i need an iv and a liver transplant
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
