I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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