I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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