you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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