So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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