How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
