My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
