Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
And then he peed in my hair
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