I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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