HIV tests are more positive than that guy
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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