the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
