a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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