Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
