True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
