how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
