I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
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I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
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yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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