Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
