I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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