I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
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