im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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