Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize