the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
