I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
