i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
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I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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