The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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