i just sent this text using only my big toe
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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