It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
