Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You don't make any sense
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