I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
