The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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