This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize