Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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