woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
