I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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