I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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