She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
