mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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