the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
