I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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