im drinking this country out of the recession.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
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your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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