How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
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He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
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The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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