I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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