I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
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