I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
