News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
