While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
