Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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