THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
