Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
