New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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