Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
