Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
