Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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