Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
